#SoulfulStories by Lirika Davis

”When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather shared our

November 4, 2020

9:11 am

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”When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather shared our pain and touched our wounds with a warm and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares.”

I could not have agreed more with Henri Nouwen on his thoughts above about real friendships.

Finding a true friend is like finding great treasure your life can’t but be rich because of that. Unfortunately, these days we follow ’treasure’ more than ’truth.’
Most of the friendships that we call ’close’ nowadays have some sort of strings attached. We choose to hang out with people that look like us or we desperately want to be like them. We try our best to use ’friends’ as a way to get more contacts or in order for them to help us ascent our career ladder. Trust and truth seem to be the last things we try to cultivate in friendships presently. Let us explore together in finding and recognizing who our real friends are, for this way we nurture and develop friendships that are for life.

For simplicity, I categorise friends in three groups.

Front porch friends
Kitchen friends
Bedroom friends

Front Porch:

Friends are the people you say ’hi’ and bye’ without a lot of interaction and dealings together. These are the people you meet at the school -drop -in – area as you pick up the kids or drop them to school or for different sports activities. Or the people you meet at a conference or event and exchange a few small conversations but nothing takes root. They are all pleasant and nice and perhaps for some of them you know their name and faces but the depth of that relationship is quite shallow.

Kitchen Friends:

are the ones that have got a bit more access to your life than the front porch people do. These people have passed the front porch and have made themselves comfortable inside your home. They know where you put your coffee and tea in the kitchen and they are comfortable with making one. They know about your life quite a bit but all the information shared remains in the ’fun’ zone. There are chats about food and drinks and clothes and kids between you both, but it’s all safe and sound knowledge.

Bedroom friends:

are the ones that are fully aware and with you about all the skeletons in your closet . They know you intimately and fully and love you just the way you are. They are the friends who as the Proverbs in the Hebrew Scripture say are willing to wound us to tell us the truth. “Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” Proverbs‬ ‭27:6‬ ‭NIVUK‬‬

They are the friends that help us to be the people we were created to be. These are the people that know our stories and shames and downfalls and help us through them and not gossip and shame us behind our backs. They celebrate with us and cry with us and when we are confused do not pass judgments but walk with us through that dark valley. Our marriages and families and other relationships flourish because of these friendships.

We are social beings. We need all kind of friends in our lives. We need the front porch friends, kitchen friends and most importantly bedroom friends. The question is:

do we have any bedroom friends and how can we become a truer bedroom friend for people we call our ’bedroom friends?’

It’s all about intention and vulnerability, it’s about developing something organic and not wanting quick mechanical growth when it comes to real friendships.

Trouble and hard times are the real acid test when it comes to real friends. See who stands by your side then, and not just so to see you fail, but to see you flourish through that.

By Lirika Davis